Hi (she says sheepishly)
It’s been forever, I know. I just haven’t felt up to writing honestly, and there are so many emotions I’m struggling with.
It’s been two months since we lost my uncle and while most days I’m ok, I still think of him every night before I go to sleep. It’s still so hard to wrap my mind around, since I didn’t see him regularly.
My grandparents are holding up ok. They are moving here, to be close to us. It’s a promise they made my uncle before he died. So, my parents are building them a house on their property. We’ve been to Austin nearly every weekend to help out, as they (we) are doing most of the work, instead of hiring out.
Since his death, I’ve felt anger, sadness and regret. I couldn’t stop thinking about the nurses that didn’t leave his side, didn’t allow him to die alone, and attended the celebration of life they had for him. They shed tears over him. What other profession do you find deeply caring people like that? Teaching maybe? I wasn’t sure. Something was niggling at me, but I was too scared to really think about it. I started quietly doing some research and this fall I’m enrolling in college, to complete my pre-requisites to apply for nursing school. I’m an almost 30 year old, mother of two going back to school. Crazy, right?
The thing about me is, once I find what I want to do, in any area of my life, I sink my teeth in and don’t give up. Since deciding, I’ve applied for grants, scoured scholarship sites, requested transcripts from my brief stint in college 11 years ago, started studying for my assessment test and applied to my school of choice. I did get a grant approval, and am hoping to get even more.
But let me share that I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not strong enough. I’m scared that I’m letting my kids down, as nursing school is VERY hard and will coincide with Nana’s first year of kindergarten. I’m scared that I’ll miss something in their lives that I’ll never get back. I feel like I’m letting them down in a way. I know, rationally that me going back to college and DOING this will be so good for them in the long run. Financially and it will show them that anyone, at anytime can get a good education. I also feel guilt about the burden it is going to put on McHusband. We’ve had long talks about what this means as far as the balance in our relationship, the strain it’s likely to bring and how we’re going to get through it. Luckily I married an absolutely AMAZING man who is 1000% behind me. I couldn’t do it without him.
Am I empathetic enough? Do I have it in me to work the long, hard hours of clinicals? Do I have the right mix of compassion and firmness? I guess that’s what nursing school is about though. Not just skills, but to find out if you’re made of the “right” stuff. I’ve done patient care before, and I was good at it. But becoming a mother has made me a more compassionate being.
My education will be dedicated to my Uncle, who pushed me (without knowing) to DO something. To be the someone he needed (and had) on his journey through cancer.
So bloggy friends, this blog will likely be filled with random bitching/venting/whining about school, and I’ll need gentle reminders that it’s worth it and what *I* want.