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I miss her

October 10, 2008

So much that words simply aren’t enough.

She’s never far from my mind, but yesterday, visiting the NILMDTS site, viewing her pictures, just sparked a fresh longing inside of me.

It would be so easy for me to believe in heaven, for her. But losing her was the catalyst that lead me to my atheism.

The hurt is so real, so raw today. I’ve been crying much of it. Pia senses a sadness in me, I think – she been extra kind and cuddly today. I needed that, so much. But damn it, I want HER. I know it’s an empty wish. I know it’s pointless to think this way, but I can’t help it.

And I’m angry. I’m angry and a bit jealous for those families who got to meet their child, if only for a minute. I’m not angry at the parents, I don’t even know who I’m angry at. I just am.

This is all over the place, much like my emotions today. Most of the time, I can think of her with happiness, because she did bring us that. But there are days that I am nearly incapacitated with grief. I typically don’t share those days on here, but this one is worse than most.

I want to share this montage with you. My sister made it, and it brings me a lot of comfort.

I can’t get it to embed, so here’s the link.

I have her picture on the bedside, and hanging on the wall. It’s just not good enough.

I miss you baby girl. So much that it hurts. I love you, beyond words and bigger than the sky.

Love,
Aunt Jen

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. October 10, 2008 1:40 pm

    Jen, I didn’t realize you were her aunt. I remember her story and it is just as heartbreaking today as it was then. I’m sorry, sweetie. I understand the void. This is a reality for too many families. If it gives you and your family any consolation, I know I grew as a person after hearing her story. A little piece of her is being carried by so many, strangers and friends. Oh the places she’s been.

  2. Jordan permalink
    October 10, 2008 1:59 pm

    Keiran was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that Jen.

  3. Jen permalink*
    October 10, 2008 2:46 pm

    Thanks Lisa. It really does help knowing she touched so many lives, and that people still think of her.

    Thanks Jord – love you!

  4. October 10, 2008 5:16 pm

    Thinking of you, and yes praying for you, hope that you don’t mind a little prayer from your christian bloggy friends, just cause we love ya!

  5. Jen permalink*
    October 10, 2008 5:22 pm

    Jennifer, I love prayer! You believe, and that’s what matters. Thank you!

  6. October 10, 2008 5:29 pm

    There are no words…she is definitely missed. Her life was short, but not small.

  7. October 10, 2008 8:15 pm

    The montage is beautiful – she was beautiful.

    Truly heartbreaking.

  8. October 10, 2008 9:18 pm

    As soon as the music started playing on the montage my little fussy baby on my lap cocked his head to the side and just calmed right down. It was really beautiful, it made me want to cry!

  9. October 11, 2008 11:20 am

    Hugs. She made such a big impact and touched those around her. She will be missed by many.

  10. October 11, 2008 4:46 pm

    Jamie and Trey are forever in my heart. I am so privileged to have shared that time with her. Thank you for the link to that montage. I hadn’t seen it. Keiran has touched many many hearts.

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