I miss her
So much that words simply aren’t enough.
She’s never far from my mind, but yesterday, visiting the NILMDTS site, viewing her pictures, just sparked a fresh longing inside of me.
It would be so easy for me to believe in heaven, for her. But losing her was the catalyst that lead me to my atheism.
The hurt is so real, so raw today. I’ve been crying much of it. Pia senses a sadness in me, I think – she been extra kind and cuddly today. I needed that, so much. But damn it, I want HER. I know it’s an empty wish. I know it’s pointless to think this way, but I can’t help it.
And I’m angry. I’m angry and a bit jealous for those families who got to meet their child, if only for a minute. I’m not angry at the parents, I don’t even know who I’m angry at. I just am.
This is all over the place, much like my emotions today. Most of the time, I can think of her with happiness, because she did bring us that. But there are days that I am nearly incapacitated with grief. I typically don’t share those days on here, but this one is worse than most.
I want to share this montage with you. My sister made it, and it brings me a lot of comfort.
I can’t get it to embed, so here’s the link.
I have her picture on the bedside, and hanging on the wall. It’s just not good enough.
I miss you baby girl. So much that it hurts. I love you, beyond words and bigger than the sky.