I just don’t know
What this post is going to end up being.
I’m dealing with a lot of emotions lately, so it’s probably going to be all over the place.
I recently read of a 14 month old boy’s passing. He got out of his house and drowned in the family pond. I hear sad stories all the time, and while they do make me terribly sad, they don’t stay with me like this one did. I cried for days for this family. I couldn’t get him off my mind. Perhaps because he was one month younger than Pia? I just don’t know. I still think about him, weeks later, and mourn for him. For this boy and this family I don’t know.
I would hope, if nothing else came of it, that it would force me to appreciate my own kids a bit more. The days following the news, I hugged and kissed them so much more. Like anything else, that faded. I love them, so much, but how much do I really appreciate them daily? Not enough. I find myself annoyed more often than inspired these days. They are fighting constantly and it drives me nuts. Nana’s behavior is better, but we’re dealing with food issues, which are driving me nuts.
Why can’t I put that aside more often, and focus on how amazing they are?
Then there is McHusband. If you’ve been reading me for any amount of time, you know how absolutely incredible this man is. He’s the cream of the crop when it comes to men/husbands. I’m told constantly how lucky I am to have him, a true partner in parenting and life. He is my other half in every sense of the word. So why don’t I appreciate him more? We’re like most couples, that get stuck in the day to day routine. I never just stop and surround myself with HIM. I thank him, and love him, but those are mostly automatic things, without much thought (though plenty of feeling) behind them.
I’m disappointed in myself lately. For not fully realizing what I have every day. I get so caught up in projects that I’m missing what’s important. Me, my family, my husband. All of that matters, so much. Life is made up of the little moments. How many have I missed, trying to do it all?
I have a lot of things to work on internally. I’m not the person I want to be. I know it’s going to be a painful journey, but one well worth it.