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I just don’t know

September 30, 2008

What this post is going to end up being.

I’m dealing with a lot of emotions lately, so it’s probably going to be all over the place.

I recently read of a 14 month old boy’s passing. He got out of his house and drowned in the family pond. I hear sad stories all the time, and while they do make me terribly sad, they don’t stay with me like this one did. I cried for days for this family. I couldn’t get him off my mind. Perhaps because he was one month younger than Pia? I just don’t know. I still think about him, weeks later, and mourn for him. For this boy and this family I don’t know.

I would hope, if nothing else came of it, that it would force me to appreciate my own kids a bit more. The days following the news, I hugged and kissed them so much more. Like anything else, that faded. I love them, so much, but how much do I really appreciate them daily? Not enough. I find myself annoyed more often than inspired these days. They are fighting constantly and it drives me nuts. Nana’s behavior is better, but we’re dealing with food issues, which are driving me nuts.

Why can’t I put that aside more often, and focus on how amazing they are?

Then there is McHusband. If you’ve been reading me for any amount of time, you know how absolutely incredible this man is. He’s the cream of the crop when it comes to men/husbands. I’m told constantly how lucky I am to have him, a true partner in parenting and life. He is my other half in every sense of the word. So why don’t I appreciate him more? We’re like most couples, that get stuck in the day to day routine. I never just stop and surround myself with HIM. I thank him, and love him, but those are mostly automatic things, without much thought (though plenty of feeling) behind them.

I’m disappointed in myself lately. For not fully realizing what I have every day. I get so caught up in projects that I’m missing what’s important. Me, my family, my husband. All of that matters, so much. Life is made up of the little moments. How many have I missed, trying to do it all?

I have a lot of things to work on internally. I’m not the person I want to be. I know it’s going to be a painful journey, but one well worth it.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2008 5:46 pm

    Here is a hug to you and you can stop reading here or I will offer my thoughts (take or leave).

    My family and I went through a transition awhile ago, maybe 6 years ago. We had three children, bought a new house, had my two very high maintenance nephews as foster children, work, etc… I think I thought I was going to go crazy and my husband was a trooper that stood by me. Things were rough because I so spread thin that I could not be good at anything or so I thought that was the problem BUT what I realized is that I was just so unhappy that I could do nothing well!

    I can not say that there was one particular ‘fix all’, I think it really was an effort on myself and my husband. We started talking lots and reassessing where we were, what we wanted and how to get it. I went back to school (adding one more thing to my to do list) and love it! And yes we did really look at what our priorities were/are and what we needed to be happy … and we were very honest about it all.

    We both realized that there were things in our lives that we had to let go of and other things that were more important. It took time but we have been able to really regroup our efforts and I can honestly say that we (as a whole family) are so much happier in all aspects of our lives!

    I am not sure if there is a real point here, except that I think I tried to find every excuse in the book for why my life sucked and basically I was unhappy and needed to figure out how to make myself happy.

    I do wish you luck, a good naturapathic doctor can be really helpful and learning to do something for yourself. You deserve it because you are wonderful!

  2. Jen permalink*
    September 30, 2008 6:01 pm

    Thanks Amy.

    You’re right. I am unhappy. I’ve realized it, but wasn’t sure about vocalizing it yet. It’s going to take some time to figure out what I have to do to make me happy again. I’ve already stepped back from some obligations I had, and I’m already feeling a smidge better.

    I can’t wait to be happy again! Again, thanks for sharing.

  3. September 30, 2008 6:06 pm

    I don’t appreciate all I have either.

  4. September 30, 2008 8:00 pm

    I had one more thought — this is a good book and I found it helpful and it is a very easy read! Instructions to the Cook: A Zen Master’s Lessons in Living a Life That Matters by Bernard Glassman.

  5. September 30, 2008 9:16 pm

    There are so many days when I feel like the worst mother and wife on earth for many of the same reasons you mentioned.

    The very fact that you’re questioning and searching means you’re on the right path, don’t you think? It really is hard to find that place where you can delve into the things you need for yourself while also being able to really delve into the amazingness of your family…that whole stopping to smell the roses thing. There’s nothing I love more than my son, but quite honestly, I can’t be a mom 24/7. I know there are women who can, and I admire them, but I need a combination of things in my life and when there isn’t, then I’m not a very good mom or partner at all.

    You’re going to figure this out and you’re going to find your inspiration. I have confidence.

  6. October 1, 2008 7:48 am

    I too have felt this way before. Seems like something triggers something and I feel ‘down’ on myself and focus on the negative things in life rather than my blessing.

    Hope you find your inspiration and are able to move forward and feel better very very soon.

  7. October 1, 2008 6:08 pm

    I think most times in life “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”. I totally needed to read this post. Thanks for the reminder to count my blessings.

  8. October 1, 2008 7:00 pm

    Gosh, I’m so there with you. There seems to be this sense of what perfect would be and really no way to achieve it. How do you cherish your child when she’s intentionally pooped in her panties? You hear these horrible stories of loss and end up focusing on those times when I felt anger or frustration towards my child. It’s easy to do. Instead, think of those times you are combing your daughter’s hair after her bath. She knows she is loved and you know you have a gem. In all honesty, if you spent every waking moment being all about your kids you would probably drive them insane.

    Happiness is key. I have taken steps to insert little things into my life that make me happy. I think the weight of the problem is in thinking something major needs to happen. Major is overwhelming though. I think most answers can be found in the tiny things we do (or choose not to do) in the course of our day.

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