Raising a Toddler
Let me be the first to clue all your first time moms of babies the hell that toddlerhood is. It’s not the “terrible twos”. It’s the terrible 15 month – 4 years.
When your baby is born, you anxiously await the next milestone. You can’t wait for baby to roll over, crawl, sit up, etc. One of the most anticipated milestones is talking. You hear all these adorable stories from your friends about the cute things their toddler is saying. What most are leaving out is the fact that within a few months of them learning to talk, they want them to STOP.
Granted, they do say funny/cute/sweet things. But, the in-between is hell.
Here are some rules they all apparently live by:
Everything must be repeated at least 5 times. Otherwise, mom or dad might not hear/understand you.
If mom or dad says no, whine. Tears help here, too.
Mine, no, why – words to live by.
When driving in a car, yell out the word for everything you recognize. Loud, or they might not hear.
Point out your ouchies multiple times a day.
Announce to the whole world that you have to pee.
While we want mom and dad to listen to us, reciprocation is not necessary.
Picking up 3 toys out of 50 means it’s clean.
Sharing is for wussies!
Whatever mom and dad have on their plate is much better than the crap they serve us. Who cares that it looks the same???
If you need more of something, don’t ask mom or dad when they are already up, make sure you wait until they sit back down. Furthermore, if you need 2 things, ask for one at a time (again, waiting until they sit down)
Dinner time = Poop time
Talk back – they love it! If they say no, it’s because they didn’t understand just how serious you were. Show them – throw in some tears.
Destroy things they hold dear, or that are expensive.
Wreck their house! Color on the walls, scratch the floors – it’s not like they can make you get a job!
Refuse to say things like, please and thank you. But, make sure to remind them of their manners should they forget.
Beg for chicken nuggets, and if you get them, don’t eat them. For even more fun, beg to eat about an hour later – but change it up – you want mac and cheese this time!
Be unreasonable – always.
Insist everything in the house is MINE.
Cry when they change the channel – even if you haven’t watched the TV in hours.
So, for you first time moms, be warned. And, be afraid.