Lately I’ve been feeling really down. I’ve been trying desperately to find the reason. Though I have several “surface” reasons, I’ve been feeling it’s something deeper.
My “surface” reasons seem good enough though. The big 10th anniversary of my rape passed.
We’re flat broke.
Due to the above, Abel has been working a lot more, which makes me work a lot more.
Again, due to the above, we’re fighting more, which leads to a disconnect, which leads to a very heavy heart.
I’m contemplating getting a part time evening job, which depresses the hell out of me. People say it’ll be a good thing, but it’s called work for a reason. Add 4-5 hours onto a 12 hour day chasing around two kids. Doesn’t sound like a bundle of fun to me.
My days are filled with diapers, dishes, Blues Clues. Yes, it’s my choice, but it’s a hard, hard life and can wear you right down to the bone. Working a “real” job was never this hard.
I’m doing what I’ve always sworn I wouldn’t, and that is lose myself in my roles of wife and mother. I’ve lost Jen somewhere along the way and I’m terrified I’m either never going to find her again, or I won’t like her much when I do. A few hours at a bookstore, or laying in bed alone doesn’t cut it. This leads to my unhappiness – and again fighting with Abel, and not being the best mom I can be.
We don’t have health insurance – which is stress like you can’t know unless you’re in the situation. I need three root canals, and a hernia repair. The kids both need check ups, badly, Abel needs a physical. What if (pasta forbid) something were to happen to one of us? The very thought terrifies me.
I’m on anti-depressants, but they just aren’t doing shit right now. I’m on the verge of tears constantly. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. I know I need to switch them, but a few of the above reasons prevent it right now.
I don’t like who I’m becoming.
I know this will get better – it’s a new year, and Abel has a new job. It’s just hard to see the light when the damn tunnel is so long.