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February 6, 2007

I’ve been struggling with my faith for some time now. I’ve almost been afraid to put it into words, like it’s going to give me a one way ticket to hell or something.

I didn’t grow up in a religious family. Church was never forced on us (for that, I’m eternally grateful). I did some soul searching in high school, and tried a few different churches, but nothing touched me the way I expected. I feel that in order to devote my life to a religion, it has to speak to my soul. Nothing did.

I don’t subscribe to the bible, I just don’t agree with so much of what it says. I’m a very spiritual person. I believe in something, I just don’t know what. I pray – but how can you pray, if you don’t know who you’re praying to?

Can I have my own version of God? Do I have to question where He comes from and just how much control He has over my life?

After you lose someone you love, it’s hard to keep faith. Especially if that someone was a child. What on earth could possibly be gained by it? What is His plan? It won’t ever make sense in the way that I need it to. In the way that most believers say it does.

Just have faith……………why?

I’ve considered myself agnostic for several years now – not a non-believer, but a non-believer in organized religion. I don’t think that I have to pray every day, or go to church for God to be a part of my life. I’ve always believed that He created all that surrounds me, so if I want to pray in my own backyard, that was okay with Him.

I have to believe that we go somewhere after our bodies die. It’s important to me to know that I’ll be reunited with those I love. Believing this makes it hard to believe in reincarnation. But seriously, our souls hang out in heaven for ever? Seems far fetched to me. We almost have to come back.

I’m really lost in all of this (duh). I need to believe in something. But what?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. scaredymama permalink
    February 7, 2007 7:24 pm

    Wow, I’m so relieved to know that someone else feels this way. I’m convinced that the whole religion thing is something that has evolved out of a need to force good behavior. Or maybe it’s developed as defense mechanism of the human brain to ease our fear of the unkown (i.e. what happens when we die)??. There’s a line from a song (Dixie Chicks, maybe?)that sums it up for me: “I’m gonna get to the end of my life, and find out everyone was lyin’.”

    I have struggled very hard with this issue lately, since my daughter is being raised as a Catholic and is going to take her First Communion this year. I get that same sense of guilt you feel when you perpetuate the whole Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy thing.

    Thinking about the whole thing makes me want to OD on prozac.

  2. Jamie permalink
    February 11, 2007 6:15 pm

    I feel you, Jen. At least we will be damned to eternal hellfire together!

  3. jmk permalink
    February 13, 2007 11:24 pm

    It will be a party, cause I’ll be there too. I shall bring the booze.

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