Who Am I?
I always said that I would never “lose” myself in motherhood or my marriage. I’m starting to wonder if this is possible. It’s impossible for motherhood not to change you. Does that mean I’m losing myself, or just becoming a different self? I never wanted to be a mini-van soccer mom, yet here I am, staying home, cleaning house, cooking dinner, making babies. At least I’m not barefoot.
I’m not simply Jennifer anymore. And, I find that I miss the old me. I miss living alone, watching what I want to watch on TV, reading when I felt like it, shitting alone, etc. Does that make me a bad person? Missing my old life? I don’t think it does. But I don’t think it’s healthy. I can’t dwell on the past. But, the future terrifies me.
I don’t want to be Mommy, baby, honey, mama, etc. only. I still want to find some part of my former self. Someone I really liked.
People tell me to take a few hours a week to myself, to help. How on earth is that going to help? I’m still her mom. I’m still his wife. Not that I don’t want to be those things, but those are things that you can’t ever break from.
I’m just struggling with a healthy balance for my roles right now. I don’t want to get caught under “mom” and wake up one day only to realize that my kids are gone and I’m lost. I still want to be Jennifer, a woman, wife and mother. In that order.