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September 19, 2006

I’m scared of losing this baby.

I know it’s something every woman feels.

I know that many women never have a miscarriage.

I’m not letting it control my life, but it is back there, in my mind most times.

I wonder why there is fear now. There wasn’t very much when I was pregnant with Poopy.

Booger has me freaking.

Is it because I have a lot more information now? I was blissfully ignorant my first pregnancy. I figured you got two lines, got cute and big, baby came out. I didn’t realize just how much could go wrong. Knowledge is dangerous.

Maybe I feel like I already have one healthy, beautiful little girl. Why do I deserve another? Especially since my sister didn’t get to take hers home.

Maybe it’s Keiran. Maybe I now know what it is to let go of someone you never wanted to let go of. Maybe I now realize just how unfair life is sometimes and none of us are immune.

Maybe it’s that I now fully realize what a miracle having a child is. I realize what a gift a baby is. How much can go wrong.

Whatever it is, I’m scared. I want this booger

2 Comments leave one →
  1. AmberP permalink
    September 21, 2006 8:47 pm

    Congratulations – and just try to relax!! I am sure everything will be just fine. The best thing to do is to make sure you take some time (when you can) for yourself just to make sure that you are taking care. **HUGS**

  2. Jamie permalink
    September 24, 2006 12:11 pm

    I told you that Keiran picked this little baby (girl!) out for you. Remember my dream. I know she’ll watch over her cousin. I think everything will be fine.

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