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When You’re a Mommy

July 30, 2006

When you’re a Mommy:

You don’t have clean pants or a shirt for more than an hour. When they’re little, it’s spit up, drool, sometimes pee. As they get older it progresses to baby food, juice, smashed fruit. For me, it’s now cheesy handprints, more drool, snot, more juice, and whatever was on the menu for the day.

You can’t shit in private anymore. The best you can do is find a good diversion and hope for the best.

You can’t shower in private – you have a little person banging on the shower door saying “mama up!”.

A meal is no longer your own. Everything you have on your plate, though it may be the exact same as what is on your childs plate, is more appealing and must be shared. If you don’t feel like sharing – too bad. It’s either that or sticky, dirty hands in your plate.

Expect to eat your food cold and have your drinks warm.

You can’t lay on the couch with a good book because the blanket you have covering you is “MINE” and the baby (apparently owner of the blanket) wants “UP” right on your face, where she proceeds to pull your hair and laughs when you say “Ouch”.

You have to love Spot and want to find him 1,000 times a day.

You have to kiss the 100 stuffed animals she has.

You sing silly songs that you thought you had forgotten the words to.

You can’t have a bad day and need 30 minutes away from your angel because “what is she doing right now that annoys you?”. Nothing – it’s the 1,000 things she did all week that built up. I just want to shit and shower without an audience. Maybe grab some TV time without a hair pulling incident.

You love more than you thought possible.

You get annoyed more than you thought possible.

You yell more than you thought possible.

You laugh more than you thought possible.

Your heart melts every time those little lips pucker or those chubby arms reach up.

You smile when you hear “Mama”.

You can fear silence like never before. Silence means something is happening.

Before you were a Mommy, you never imagined saying these things:

Piglet doesn’t belong in the refrigerator

No, that’s ca-ca

No, the lotion doesn’t go in the toilet

No, we don’t eat food out of the trash

No, Mommy doesn’t need help wiping

Please don’t color on the TV

Please don’t eat the ketchup bottle

No, that’s the dogs ball, we don’t put that in our mouth

Please don’t eat the dog food

No, we don’t eat bugs

Please don’t take your clothes off

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