The story of us refers to my family. For now it’s me, my husband Abel and our daughter, Poopylatta (not her real name).
I decided that the beginning of our story is the day I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could tell you the angels sang, birds chirped and my world was complete. Unfortunately, that’s not how it was. There were a lot of tears, fear, confusion and even anger.
Abel and I had been “seeing” each other about a year and a half. I use the term loosely. We were pretty much good friends who slept together with no commitment. Before I let everyone think I’m a big slut, he was the only one I was with, and I was the only one he was with. What it boils down to, is neither one of us wanted to openly commit. How ridiculous is that? Anyway, my period was a few days late, but I wasn’t freaking. I was on the pill. I figured it was stress – plenty of that going around. I had cramps anyway, so that meant AF would be visiting shortly, right?
I was laying on my couch, watching TV, scarfing down McDonalds and I got the crazy idea to take a pregnancy test. Of course I had one on hand, as every smart, sexually active girl does. I got up off the couch, peed on a stick and went back to my TV program. A couple minutes later, I got up and checked the test.
Two lines……………holy shit.
My world crumbled.
I promised myself I would be completely honest in this blog, hold nothing back. So, here goes.
I never wanted to be a Mom. Some girls grow up dreaming of their wedding, being a Mommy. Not me. I never had pretend weddings with pillow cases representing a veil. I don’t think I was into baby dolls. I was convinced as a child that I was never going to make it to 16. I’m an extremely selfish person, but I’m big enough that I can recognize that in myself and made the decision not to bring a child into this world. I didn’t need someone depending on me for everything – I could hardly manage to take care of myself. Now, here I was holding a stick with two little lines that meant everything, from this moment on was going to be different.
Enter the tears………………….
I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to do. I picked up the phone, called my friend Jaime. I called her first because, in my eyes, she’s a MOTHER. She is what a Mom should be. She thinks her kids are great, absolutely loves being a Mommy (most days!). I cried on the phone with her for a while. Being the fantastic friend that she is, she reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Didn’t help, but she tried. At this point, I called Abel. I couldn’t even say the words. My mind hadn’t absorbed it yet and saying it out loud would probably make it real. I wasn’t ready for it to be real yet. I just kept saying over and over “you’re going to hate me”. He put two and two together, smart guy that he is and told me he was coming right over. I then called my sister – she’s my rock. She was so incredibly excited for me. Yes, excited. At this point, happiness hadn’t entered into the picture. I hadn’t put my hand on my belly in wonder of the life that was growing in me – in truth, the actual child hadn’t entered my mind. I was more concerned about me (told ya I was selfish).
Have you ever noticed that women who plan on getting pregnant one day, even if it’s not soon, have pregnancy or baby books just laying around their house? My sister whipped out “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” – yep, she had it on hand and started reading things from the book to me. She was telling me what was going on in my body, and it completely freaked me out. BIG TIME. She was tossing out words like mucous, dilation, discharge, etc. I wasn’t ready to hear all that. Then she said, “you need to quit smoking”. SHIT. I didn’t want to quit. I like smoking. See, this damn kid was making me give up stuff already. She then said the words that will forever remain in my guilt vault, “aren’t you happy?”. The truth was – no, I wasn’t happy. I didn’t want to be a Mom. I didn’t want this baby. I think I went into shock and told her I would call her later.
Abortion never factored into my mind. I am Pro-Choice, but it’s not the right choice for me.
Abel showed up at this point and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. We would do this together, and he actually told me he was excited. Excited? Are you on crack? Of course you’re excited – you got laid and now I have to do all the damn work. I have to quit smoking, eat healthy, CREATE a child inside of my body.
He told me that he wanted me to move into his house, that we should be together, see how things went. I agreed and moved in about a month later.