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Pregnancy Sucks!

July 18, 2006

Early on in my pregnancy, I made the mistake of watching TLC’s “A Baby Story”. I say mistake because it made pregnancy and childbirth seem so beautiful and easy! There are rarely Mommies on there that are fat, miserable, feeling like shit, etc. They are all cute in their designer maternity clothes, well rested, and happy.

I was the exact opposite of that. I was swollen, miserable, fat, tired, sweaty, and bitchy. Here are a few things that happened to my body, mind and soul while pregnant.

You’re probably wondering if I ever got happy or excited about being pregnant. The answer is yes. The first ultrasound we had revealed a blob in my uterus. The second ultrasound revealed a blob with a heartbeat. The third slightly resembled a baby. How can you hear your childs’ heartbeat and not get excited? I still wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t ready to be a Mom, but it was pretty exciting.

The first trimester:
I was so tired. Sleep wasn’t enough. I wanted to be in a coma for the next 9 months. I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I hated being awake. I was tired and my stomach usually hurt. This was a typical pre-dinner conversation around our house:

Me: “I’m STARVING”
Abel: “What do you feel like?”
Me: “I don’t know”
Abel: “How can you be starving and not know what you want?”
Me: “I DON’T KNOW – I JUST KNOW MY STOMACH IS ABOUT TO EAT ITSELF, SO YOU’D BETTER GET ME SOME GOD-DAMN FOOD RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!”

You’d think the poor bastard would learn to just feed me, but this conversation, with slight variations would occur nightly. Until I discovered milkshakes and coke Icees. It was all I wanted for a long time!

As soon as I went to the Doctor for the first time, they gave me this bag with all sorts of pregnancy stuff. Totally freaked me out. It had formula samples and coupons for Sesame Street books. I felt like people were trying to push too much on me at once, trying to make me deny my true feelings on this, trying to fit me into a mold of a happy pregnant girl. I felt so much pressure that I started keeping my feeling to myself. A huge part of me resented this thing growing inside of me, making my boobs hard and huge like a porn start, taking away my inability for a solid night’s sleep by making me pee every 30 minutes, making my stomach hurt almost constantly, and making me emotional. That was one of the worst. I never cried before I got knocked up. NEVER. Now, I would see a commercial for wart remover and I would cry for some stupid ass reason. I had no control over myself. The resentment towards my baby went away eventually and left behind feelings of guilt. That, I believe, is the beginning of my very personal relationship with Mommy guilt (much more on that later).

In this bag of tricks from the OB are several samples of pre-natal vitamins (who knew??). He told me to try out some different ones and let him know which one I liked and he would write me a prescription. Hold on – we’re talking about vitamins, right? What is there to like or dislike? And a prescription? What for? It was all foreign to me. The mistake so many Dr.’s make these days is to assume that a pregnant lady had a desire to be that way, that they researched and they knew all the do’s and don’ts. I had no clue. NONE. I kept drinking coffee, I kept drinking Dr. Pepper, eating lunch meat, etc. I pretty much think that’s all bunk anyway.

So, on with the vitamins. I picked the one with the prettiest package, and started taking them. That’s when the poop trouble started. All that iron really plugged me up. I think I was on like day three of no shitting, when I had a check up. My OB decided to to an ultrasound, just to check things out and said “Man, you’re really plugged up, aren’t you?”. Apparently you could see my three days of no shitting on the ultrasound. I wasn’t embarrassed, I wanted to punch him. HA freaking HA. So, the Dr. gave me a list of things to take to unplug me. Mind you, he gave me several options – but didn’t tell me to use them all at once. I was alos given a different type of vitamin, with less iron. So, I started taking taking htose the next day.

Unfortunately, unknown to me, a person can be allergic to vitamins. How on earth can you be allergic to vitamins? I don’t know, but I found this out the hard way. The day I started taking the new vitamins, we had an awards ceremony for work. I was sitting in a fancy room, eating crapy fancy food, when my boobs strating itching. I casually (so I thought) started scratching them. The casual scratch didn’t last long – soon I was really digging in. I took a peek at the girls and noticed that they were blotchy and very red. As soon as we got in the car to leave, I really let them have it. I went to town scratching them. When we got back to work, the rash had started moving to my arms. I decided I should go home. On my way home, I stopped at the grocery to get the necessary items to unplug myself, and get some Benadryl to relieve the itching. At this point, I had no idea it was a reaction to vitamins, I had just bought a new maternity shirt and I thought it was a reaction to the material. So, I’m in the grocery, arms loaded down with Prepheration H, Prune Juice, stool softner, Milk of Magnesia, Tucks Pads and Benadryl. I was waddling, but not showing yet (just looking like a cow) with red splotches all over my arms. There was no “poor pregnant girl” thoughts, it was more like “look at the constipated fat ass”. I swear that old people were winking at me – I was now a member of there secret club. The cashier asked “is this gonna do it?” to which I replied, “it better”, and promptly left.

I got home and, after doing some thinking, decided that I was THE most constipated person in history and just one of the items suggested by my Dr. wouldn’t do the trick, so I downed some Prune Juice, Milk of Magnesia and took a couple stool softners, lay down and waited for it to hit.

And hit it did!!

All at once. I swear I gave birth out of my ass that night. I shit my brains out. Big time. It was awful.

Meanwhile, the rash was spreading like wildfire. I tried to take a shower, to see if that would help. No dice. I was miserable. My ass was aching, and I was itching everywhere. Abel suggested we go to the pharmacy and show them my rash, see what they could do. So, in I waddled, no bra, fat ass, splotchy rash all over my body, ass on fire, stomach churning. He recommended a lotion that worked like a dream. I wanted to go back and slip him some tounge!

That was the first of many “incidents” to come in my pregnancy. I was never the cute, happy, pregnant girl. I cried at the drop of a hat – and I’m not a pretty crier. I get all red, swollen and splotchy. I got dehydrated and ended up in the hospital on an IV. I had carpel tunnel (again, who knew??). I had heart burn like a mo-fo. My nose bled. My teeth bled. I had water weight so bad that when I would take my socks off, I would have an indention for hours afterwards – I had to buy bigger shoes with a W for wide, my other shoes wouldn’t fit anymore. I was so fat, my maternity undies would roll down my belly when I put them on.My boobs got so big, I could hardly carry them around – when I took my bra off, they fell to either side of my belly like a curtain. I was either constipated or I had the runs. I had ‘roids. I sweat like a man – I was sooo hot all the damn time – the AC was permanently set at 65 and if Abel dared to touch it, I would bite his damn head off.

Around 20 weeks, I got out of the shower and thought my water broke. I even got on the floor to smell it. It didn’t smell like urine, so we rushed to the Dr. They did some tests and determined that I had pissed myself. Nice, huh? It’s a good thing I went to the Dr. though, turns out I had some sort of infection that needed to be treated. I now had a mini plunger that I was supposed to shove up there with some goo every night. Umm, how is that supposed to work? I can’t even see my business anymore, and I’m supposed to nagivate this? I don’t think so. The unlucky job fell to Abel. I think this is when I realized that he did love me!

Then, around my 7th month, my body gave me another cute little surprise. I was at work when all the of the sudden I got an AWFUL pain in upper right belly. I was instantly in tears. I called my OB and they said to come in. They examined me, and determined that it wasn’t pregnancy related. My OB said it was probably my gallbladder – and sent me to the ER for an ultrasound. Sure enough – my gallbladder had “sludge” in it, and there wasn’t shit they could do. Had it happened a month before, they would have taken it out. But, since I was so far along, they wanted to “wait it out” and remove it after I had the baby. Apparently, gallbladder problems are fairly common in pregnancy (again, who knew??). I was on a steady stream of Vicodin the last weeks of my pregnancy. The pain was worse than labor. I swear.

So, due to the gallbladder, I threw up A LOT towards the end of my pregnancy. Did that make me lose weight? NOPE. I still gained. All told, I gained 50 pounds. 30 of which was water weight – I lost it before I left the hospital. I swear I peed it out. The other 20 is still on my ass. No joke.

We found out around 22 weeks that we were having a healthy girl. I cried. Knowing what was in my belly made it so much more real for me. I was having a little girl. Wow. Didn’t make me ready, but it did make it reality.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Mom2CamandMattie permalink
    July 19, 2006 7:39 pm

    LMAO off at your pre-dinner conversations…sounds like something I’d say to Barry!

  2. jonesct permalink
    August 20, 2006 1:35 am

    Yes, but Narymann, she MEANT when she was PREGNANT, not NOW

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