I tarted blogging because I loved it. Then I started blogging for my readers, and not for me. Well, that’s stopping, now. I’m going to be blogging again, but for me. The way it should be.
It’s been forever, I know. I just haven’t felt up to writing honestly, and there are so many emotions I’m struggling with.
It’s been two months since we lost my uncle and while most days I’m ok, I still think of him every night before I go to sleep. It’s still so hard to wrap my mind around, since I didn’t see him regularly.
My grandparents are holding up ok. They are moving here, to be close to us. It’s a promise they made my uncle before he died. So, my parents are building them a house on their property. We’ve been to Austin nearly every weekend to help out, as they (we) are doing most of the work, instead of hiring out.
Since his death, I’ve felt anger, sadness and regret. I couldn’t stop thinking about the nurses that didn’t leave his side, didn’t allow him to die alone, and attended the celebration of life they had for him. They shed tears over him. What other profession do you find deeply caring people like that? Teaching maybe? I wasn’t sure. Something was niggling at me, but I was too scared to really think about it. I started quietly doing some research and this fall I’m enrolling in college, to complete my pre-requisites to apply for nursing school. I’m an almost 30 year old, mother of two going back to school. Crazy, right?
The thing about me is, once I find what I want to do, in any area of my life, I sink my teeth in and don’t give up. Since deciding, I’ve applied for grants, scoured scholarship sites, requested transcripts from my brief stint in college 11 years ago, started studying for my assessment test and applied to my school of choice. I did get a grant approval, and am hoping to get even more.
But let me share that I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not strong enough. I’m scared that I’m letting my kids down, as nursing school is VERY hard and will coincide with Nana’s first year of kindergarten. I’m scared that I’ll miss something in their lives that I’ll never get back. I feel like I’m letting them down in a way. I know, rationally that me going back to college and DOING this will be so good for them in the long run. Financially and it will show them that anyone, at anytime can get a good education. I also feel guilt about the burden it is going to put on McHusband. We’ve had long talks about what this means as far as the balance in our relationship, the strain it’s likely to bring and how we’re going to get through it. Luckily I married an absolutely AMAZING man who is 1000% behind me. I couldn’t do it without him.
Am I empathetic enough? Do I have it in me to work the long, hard hours of clinicals? Do I have the right mix of compassion and firmness? I guess that’s what nursing school is about though. Not just skills, but to find out if you’re made of the “right” stuff. I’ve done patient care before, and I was good at it. But becoming a mother has made me a more compassionate being.
My education will be dedicated to my Uncle, who pushed me (without knowing) to DO something. To be the someone he needed (and had) on his journey through cancer.
So bloggy friends, this blog will likely be filled with random bitching/venting/whining about school, and I’ll need gentle reminders that it’s worth it and what *I* want.
My uncle, lost his brave battle with leukemia this evening.
I have so much to say, a lot of guilt, and a lot of sadness.
We didn’t see this coming, at all. He was responding so well to the treatments. He had a massive heart attack last night, and couldn’t recover. He was bleeding internally, and they think he had a brain bleed as well. He passed in a medically induced coma. They say he felt no pain. I wish, so much that I believed in heaven. It would be so much easier to let him go, if I knew I’d see him again.
I know you used to read my blog frequently, so I thought my final note to you being on here was appropriate. I love you. I’ll miss you like you won’t believe. I know we hardly saw each other anymore, with you living so far away, but it’s just so hard to think of you not being there anymore. It’s hard to wrap my mind around. I’m proud of you though, for owning your mistakes from your past, for fighting these last months for your life. I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t call you more. I know you weren’t upset about it, but it will always haunt me, I think. I wish, so much that you could see my girls grow up. I wish they could have known you, your smart ass sense of humor, your kindness, your heart. You will live on in our memories, and they will know you through them. I love you, and miss you.
Yesterday evening Nana was wrestling with Abel, he was tickling her. She said, “stop stupid”. I calmly asked her what she said. She calmly replied “I told daddy how handsome he is”.
OMG, it took everything I had not to bust out laughing.
I asked her two more times, and warned her if she didn’t tell me the truth that she was going to time out. She wasn’t going to be in trouble for using an inappropriate word, but she was for lying.
Her next two answers? “I said I’m tired”, and “I said you’re pretty”
So, off to time out she went. While in time out, I told Abel, “maybe we should call the Easter Bunny, tell him that Nana is lying. I know he doesn’t like to hide eggs for kids that lie to their mommy and daddy” – she JUMPED up and immediately said, “I said stupid – I SAID IT! I’m so sorry!”.
So, she got out of time out and we talked about inappropriate words and while they are going to slip every once in a while, and that’s ok, it’s never ok to lie to us.
Seriously – how can I raise a kid when I think shit like this is funny?
Just wanted to share my polite little girl.
I was hanging in the kitchen and she marched right past me and opened the pantry.
P: mama, chip?
M: No baby, you can’t have chips right now.
P: mama, cacker?
M: You want goldfish?
P: yes, peas
M: ok, excuse me please
P: *backs up and steps on my foot*
P: sowy mama! ok? i kiss?
M: I’m ok baby, thanks *hands Pia crackers*
P: YAY! da du mama!
So polite! I love this little bit, so much.
So, last week someone new found my blog. They went through and read probably 30 of my older entries. Seeing that, I read through them as well. I laughed so hard at myself! I also made myself cry a few times, just remembering where I was, and how much has changed. It’s been over 3 years since I started this blogging thing.
I thought it would be fun to re-visit some of my old favorites.
Here they are (in no particular order).
Just a few, I ran out of time to search for more!
Ok, this week the question we are looking to answer is “Does how we look at ourselves effect how the next generation (your kids, grandkids, stepkids, friends kids, etc.) looks at themselves? Why or Why not?”. I started and stopped this post 100 times. I wrote, erased and wrote again because I couldn’t get a good handle on my feelings on this, and I stray hopelessly from topics.
My answer? Absolutely! How I view myself very much comes through how I act, how I take care of myself and how I feel – which translates into my children on many levels. If I’m unhappy with myself, it shows and kids are very perceptive. I’m very careful not to make negative comments about myself in front of my kids, because I don’t want them to think that they are any less than perfect, their own version of perfect. If they see me examining my cellulite in the mirror, I can guarantee they will be doing the same in short order. Nana is already noticing ways that she differs to me, and I make a point to reinforce that different does not equal bad. Your children want to BE you, so if you hate part of your body, they will too, and think this is normal and acceptable.
Now, all that is good in theory, but in practice, it’s a lot harder. I’m not a fix-my-hair-wear-make-up-daily person. I stay home, and just don’t make it a priority. Is that a mistake? I’m just not sure. On one hand, it’s teaching them beauty does not equal products. I know when I do put forth the effort, my kids get all excited and tell me how pretty I am. Have I done something wrong here? Is it wrong that they think I look nicer with make-up on? Have I done something inadvertantly to encourage this? Maybe when I ask McHusband how I look? Am I planting the evil looks-are-so-important-seed? I’m afraid I might have, so now it’s time to pull some weeds. This is why I joined in this project. My biggest, most important goal in life is to raise good, kind, smart, happy people. Part of being happy and kind is loving yourself. But, do I love myself enough to teach my kids properly?
I think if a parents wants their child to have a healthy body image, the parent has to live it themselves. Our children do as we do, not as we say. So, if you don’t love yourself, look in the mirror and try to find small things that you do love, and focus on those. Everyone has something to love, and let’s make sure our kids figure out how to find and embrace them! And maybe teach ourselves to do the same in the process. I’m already learning here.